Month: September 2017

Flushing the goldfish

swipingmylifeawayLeave a comment

Of course it wasn’t going to last!! No one is surprised here. Once an asshole, always an asshole! Come on! After the goldfish made his return, we hung out three more times that same week. That Sunday we woke up at my place and popped open my last bottle of champagne from my wedding. We walked my dogs and then got brunch on a patio. I apologized to the woman and her daughter next to us because my dogs were begging for their food. Luckily, they were dog lovers and didn’t mind at all. He and I playfully argued and teased each other and finally the woman next to us said, “You two are just the cutest couple.” Right away I informed her that we were absolutely not a couple because he dumped me months ago so this was his probationary period. Definitely NOT a couple. He’s an asshole. She and her daughter thought this was hilarious and all through brunch they were eavesdropping on our conversations and laughing when we roasted each other. I let him pay and reminded him that he needs to redeem himself for his behavior earlier this year. The woman patted my hand and told us that she sees us living a long and happy life together. GROSS! Ick! Yuck! No! Again they laughed at my reaction and wished us good luck after petting and saying goodbye to the dogs.

The rest of the week went well. I didn’t see him but we talked everyday. Thursday came around and we were talking about You’re the Worst again because I was finishing up the last few episodes of the latest season. I mentioned that my friend Zack was also a fan of the show. This is when all fucking hell broke loose. He already seemed to be in sort of a bad mood that night but when I mentioned another guy’s name he flipped completely. I asked what his problem was and he said he can’t keep track of all of the guys I’ve introduced him to and he doesn’t care about the opinions of any of them anyway. “Why the FUCK would you text me what you’re talking about with other guys in the first place,” was actually what he said. He also told me it’s extremely rude to mention another man’s name to him.

He said, “I don’t care about your other dates and the guys you hang out with. It came across as ‘I’m dating soooooo many other guys and here’s what they’re all saying. Deal with it.’ Sarah likes rainbows. I don’t tell you that because why would you care about Sarah or her opinion on rainbows!? Tiffany and Jenni are happy. You want to get to do whatever you want without ever thinking of the other person. You don’t care about people. You’re rude and don’t care about…ME!! You wanted me to be jealous.”

Holy rant! After reading it all I told him to reread all of our messages when he’s sober. Then came the sarcasm…

“You win. You’re right. You couldn’t have done it any differently. It’s all my fault. I should have been intrigued with strange men’s comments. My bad. Think about all of this when you’re not so fucking selfish! Maybe I actually like you which is why I care so much about this. I said that you’re rude though but if you’re above hearing that and think you’re too good for that comment, I apologize. You don’t see it and you refuse to think about it! You were soooo polite it’s impossible to wonder why there was an issue. You could NEVER be wrong.”

Throughout all of this I repeatedly had to explain myself and remind him that Zack is my friend and he shouldn’t be so jealous and angry about me having friends who are guys because I have a lot of them and that won’t ever change. Finally I decided we were done for the night since this had gone on for hours. We could talk about it in the morning. The next day though, he was no different. I asked how he felt after reading the conversation when he was sober. “I have words. You won’t like them. Truce.” That’s all he had to say for himself after acting out and having a temper tantrum like a fucking spoiled child who didn’t get his way. I wished him good luck in life and dating and thought that was the end of it. He responded though and took everything I said the night before and twisted it. He said that I said, “Do you know who I am!? I’m better than you and my friends all hate you.” Now come on, even if that’s true I think we all know I’d have a much more creative way of saying it!

I was done though. I’ve dated too many jealous and insecure guys. I can’t tolerate guys who are intimidated by someone who is strong and independent and resilient. I won’t be with someone possessive and who twists my words and tries to mind fuck me. His behavior when we dated the first time all made sense now. I couldn’t figure out why he started fights with me and insulted me all the time. He was insecure and wanted to knock me down a little so he felt like he had more control over me. That’s some toxic bullshit and I fell for it when I was younger, more than once. I’m not going down that road again though.

Good luck to you, you sweaty bastard! You’re dead to me.

 

They always come back

swipingmylifeawayLeave a comment

Maybe there’s an intensely powerful pheromone that your body releases that causes ex boyfriends or guys you’ve dated to reach out and find you via text, email, Facebook, carrier pigeon or any other means possible. I can’t explain why it happens but it always does and they all do it at the same time. Sometimes I swear they all have a group chat going and they plan who will reach out and when and they place bets on what my reaction to each of them will be. That all seems more likely than it being a strange coincidence every so often.

Recently this happened. I got five of them this time. Five. Five sad, pathetic, desperate assholes that I have gone on dates with or dated exclusively. Five sad, pathetic mistakes. Why do they do this though!? It’s over. It has ended. Whatever we had is done. Why reach out again? Why pick that scab? Slap some Neosporin on that shit and hope it doesn’t leave a scar after it heals. Forget about it. But no. No, no, no. They like picking at shit and watching it bleed. Sickos.

One of the guys to reach out recently was the goldfish which I wrote about last week. Stay tuned for part two of his return. I also received a Facebook friend request from the 6’4″, fat, 40 something, ginger I dated a few years ago for a couple months. He drinks like a 21 year old frat boy and likes wearing women’s panties. I did not accept his request. Another reached out via text to just say, “hey.” It’s been five years, dickwad. Come up with something more creative if you want to get my attention. Also, did you forget that the last time we saw each other was when you were breaking into my apartment and I had to repeatedly slam your hand in my door until you dropped the secret set of keys you made? The police were called. Move along, psycho. Another ex boyfriend sent me a long email (since I blocked him from all social media besides LinkedIn maybe) and he had love song after love song attached in the email. We saw each other for three months. Three. Three mother fucking months. There were eight songs in the email. Calm down, homie. It was not that serious. Plus, you cheated on me with girls you met on sex hookup websites regularly. Guilty. Case closed. Last, but not the least creepy or annoying, was the guy who would never call me his girlfriend. We dated on and off, long distance for years but he never wanted a girlfriend. The day I let him go and stopped trying, I swear it flipped a switch in brain that told him to cling to me and mate for eternity. He slid into my DM’s asking when he can come stay with me now that I’m single. Never. The answer is fucking NEVER. Ever. This is not Hotel Erin. I do not run an Airbnb. Also, my dogs don’t like you and they like everyone, just like Justin Bieber’s momma.

To all ladies and gentlemen readi… Scratch that.

To all you assholes male, female or other, if you think it’s a good idea to reach back out to someone you used to date, stop and think about why you stopped dating. I want you to REALLY think about it. All aspects of it. How was it great? How was it bad? Why did it end? How did you feel? Were police involved? Was there blood or broken bones? Was anything on fire? Did you get an STD? Once you ask yourself every question about the relationship you had, I think you’ll realize that reaching out to pick that fucking scab again is a bad, bad, BAD idea. Erase it from your mind. Forget about that scab and keep moving forward. No turning back. Ever.

If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were. Or, if you love someone let them go. If they return, no one else wanted them. Better yet, just let everyone go and sit at home between your dogs, drinking wine and blogging. Dating fucking sucks.

And then the goldfish returned…

swipingmylifeawayLeave a comment

I was just starting my Sunday Funday when I got a text from him. “You’re the worst,” is all it said. Of course I assumed he was expressing his disdain for me. How was I supposed to know he was stating the name of a television show?! In case you forgot or didn’t read my previous posts about this guy, we had a couple weeks this summer of intense dating before he dumped me after I fell asleep drunk on my toilet. I was planning on dumping him because he got on my nerves so badly but he beat me to it. So disappointing. He was surprised that I even responded to the seemingly rude text he sent me but then asked if I wanted to grab a drink with him sometime. Of course I said no and we continued exchanging messages for over two hours. He was mostly apologetic and tried to remind me of our “crazy chemistry” while I was a typical bitch, reminding him of how he dumped me and giving him all the reasons I hate him. It ended there.

Until I got bored about 4 days later…

I was watching Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce on Netflix and doing a coding course online. My brain started to hurt so I took a Facebook and text break. I basically told him, “Drinks. tomorrow. 7:30. J9 Wine Bar. Be there.” I left out the, “Or else” but I think it was clear that it was implied. Why was I doing this when I was going to dump him anyway earlier in the summer? I ask myself why I do most things on a daily basis. I rarely have answers to this question. This time I think I was just bored. I’m like a little kid who kicks a hornet nest even though she knows it’s potentially dangerous. She just wants some excitement and to see what would happen.

I was actually really looking forward to seeing him again and I was dying for a good Manhattan. This place had them. I was expecting our usual incessant teasing of one another and then I assumed he’d start to really get on my nerves and my eyeballs would start hurting from rolling them back in my head so often and I’d cuss him out again before taking a Lyft home.

I was wrong. He was calm and not nearly as irritating as usual. The bartender came over and said it was so good to see me again and asked if I wanted my usual Manhattan up. I saw the shock and confusion on his face and admitted that I’ve taken three other dates to this place after he introduced it to me early in the summer and befriended the owner and bartender. He also had taken dates there after he dumped me but he’s not nearly as fun and personable as I am so the staff doesn’t recognize him. We exchanged stories of our dates at J9 and then headed to a dive across the street to play Pop-a-Shot. Admittedly, I am fucking awful at sports. I was a dancer and a cheerleader. Sports that involve balls are not my thing. I averaged about 10 baskets per round in this game and was wildly impressed with myself. He was pretty good but then some guys came over and wanted to play too. They might as well have been professional basketball players. They never missed.

We both decided we had embarrassed ourselves enough so we went to the back bar to watch the band. He was unusually affectionate, gently touching my hair and my neck. I enjoyed it for a second and then I got freaked the fuck out. It was bed time anyway so we left. Before going to sleep though we texted and sort of made plans to hang out again the next week just for a movie and shitty pizza at my place.

I had no idea what I was doing. My initial plan was to see him for a couple drinks, we’d fight and I’d toss a drink in his face like they do in old movies and we’d never see each other again after I stormed out angrily and he stood there, dripping in whisky and in shock. Nothing ever goes as planned in my life though. I change my path abruptly just to shock myself I think. Always looking for the next adventure. I know ahead of time that I’m just going to leave him anyway but I might as well have some fun stories in the meantime.

The ice cream man

swipingmylifeawayLeave a comment

After weeks of not getting enough attention from my “boyfriends” and nearly two months of having no sex, I decided it was time to swipe. Swiping used to be something I did as often as I breathed when I was newly single. After a while though, my swiping happened about as often as I mopped my floors, which was rarely.

I matched with a guy that night and we talked until after 4am. Both of us were shocked by this because we never chatted so much with people on dating apps and definitely never had so much fun doing it that we didn’t want to stop to sleep. He was also divorced, loved dogs, baseball, art and painting. He was in real estate and owned some investment properties and said he and his friends basically tried to work as little as possible all summer. (#lifegoals) Although, while my other hobbies include blogging, running and doing yoga, he was more into racing motorcycles, volunteering at PAWS and boating in his free time. And then I fell in love… (But seriously, what the hell is the deal with all these guys on Tinder and Bumble who have boats and why do I match with all of them? I must smell like Lake Michigan and they’re instantly attracted. Maybe…?) Everything about him seemed perfect until he called himself the Hugh Hefner of real estate and said he was surrounded by beautiful buildings instead of beautiful women. I gave him a pass on this lame ass comment because of the regular volunteering at PAWS.

A week went by and we chatted regularly, most often until close to 5am. One night around 3am, we both wanted tacos and ice cream. He lived nearby and told me to meet him at 7-11. He honestly asked me to walk 15 minutes to 7-11…at 3am…for some fuckin’ Ben & Jerry’s. Although the Pistachio Pistachio was screaming my name for all of Lakeview to hear, I opted to stay in my bed. This is when he tells me he already hopped in his Range Rover to drive (1/2 a block) to the convenience store to get ice cream. Instead of picking me up to get some or buying some for me and dropping it off, he took pictures of the icy pints of cookie dough and pistachio and sent them to me and told me he’d save my ice cream at his place for whenever I come over. Well isn’t that some bullshit??

A few days later after making plans to go check out the Navy Pier fireworks with one of my “boyfriends”, the plans fell through so I texted the ice cream man to see what he was up to. He invited me to meet him and some friends at Diversey Yacht Club. I walked over there after work and drank tequila cocktails and ate M&M’s with him and his friends. All they did was talk shit to each other and laugh so hard their faces and stomachs hurt. Naturally, I fit right in and loved them. I still swear his best friend and I were separated at birth. She’s brutally honest and blunt and incredibly foul-mouthed. He had the best laugh though. The kind of laugh that you know is genuine. It starts with a smile that stretches wider than you’d think was possible and makes you close your eyes so tightly. It’s accompanied by a loud sound that can only come from deep in your belly and the laugh ends with a long sigh while you wipe away tears and lean forward, clutching your stomach. He had that kind of laugh. All night.

Finally someone suggested a late-night boat cruise. The water and weather were perfect for the first 20 minutes. On our way back, the winds changed and buckets of water were being poured on us while we slid and bounced around the back of the boat. When we came back to the dock, he disappeared for a long time and his friends asked me if I wanted to do a little bump. Who am I to turn down free coke? It would have been rude of me. I graciously accepted, put my soaking hair into a bun and put on someone’s dry hoodie and we all wiped the seats and tables down with towels so we could sit and hang out again. When he came back, he and I snuggled up under a blanket and all of us had another drink and talked on the back of the boat for a couple more hours. He and I were both yawning and then had a mini tickle fight to wake up a bit. Everyone else had enough blow in their systems to party all night, I’m sure.

I had to work in the morning and he offered to drive me home. I said goodbye to people I expected would be my life-long best friends forever. We all hugged and said we were looking forward to hanging out again soon and the ice cream man walked with me to his Range Rover, he opened the door for me and I hopped in. He took me to my place, hugged me goodbye and waited until I got inside. After I showered the dirty lake water off of my body and out of my hair, I texted him to say thanks for everything and of course, sarcastically tell him how boring he was. He responded with, “lol I’m fucking awesome and you know it. tonight was definitely a blast.”

What could have been a boring Wednesday night in, ended up being an unexpected, fun-filled adventure with great people and a guy that I could really like. Nights like that are what summers are all about. Spontaneity, fun, laughs. The next day I had a cancellation at work and still wanted that fucking ice cream. Since I knew he rarely worked and he also lived down the street from my salon, I texted to see if he wanted to check out the new gelato spot on Southport. No response. I assumed he must be busy actually working or he was on the boat. Either way he normally replied right away but I didn’t worry about it. I went to the French bakery with my friend and got myself a macaroon instead. Later that night I texted him while I was (actually) Netflixing and chillin’. Hours later, still no response.

I could have just let it go like that but I didn’t want to. How hard is it to just say you aren’t interested in someone? How hard is it to just reply to a fucking text? Not hard at all. I let him know those things and told him ignoring someone is rude (Why do I have to tell so many people this??) and I would have appreciated a little communication since we’re grown adults. I thanked him again for everything and wished him luck in the shitty world of dating and thanked him also for reminding me that I should give up on it. If guys were ice cream, Baskin Robbins doesn’t even have enough flavors for me. I think I’ve gone through all 31 and every last one sucks. I’d rather die a born-again virgin before I swipe again and meet another guy.