I met this guy after I did hair for a wedding on a Sunday. As I was leaving the job I got a message from him on Tinder or Bumble, asking if I wanted to meet and grab lunch. Yes, indeed, I did. I was hungry enough to eat a cow and that’s saying a lot coming from a vegetarian. We met at a taco place in Lincoln Park, had food and margaritas and laughed way too much and far too loudly. (Seriously, I think everyone hated us.) Usually that’s where I end first dates. Gotta leave ’em wanting more. Also, I don’t need them to see how much I can drink in a day. Two drinks with them. MAX.
Not today though! Despite the fact that I thought he resembled a goldfish, he was fun and I had nothing better to do with the rest of my Sunday than continue hanging out. That day we went to 8 different bars, played Pac-Man, Skee-ball, pool and trivia. He met several of my friends and they actually seemed to like him! He begged my friend and her husband to spill some dirt on me or tell an embarrassing story. Unfortunately for him, my friends are fucking loyal. Also, there’s nothing for them to tell. I already told him about the one time I peed my pants in high school. And the other time I peed my pants in high school…
The day went well enough but I was getting tired and fucking hammered. My friends dropped us off near my place and then I blinked and when I opened my eyes the goldfish look-alike was sweating profusely while humping me. He then thought it was a good idea to talk dirty to me during the sweatiest sex of my life. I’ve never had sex with someone before and gotten up soaked from head to toe in their sweat. My hair was even dripping wet! Also, gentlemen, please don’t ever talk about your “big dick” or my “tight, little pussy” while you’re humping me. It’s fucking gross, weird and it ruins everything!
I couldn’t take it anymore. The sweat, the “you like it like that, baby!?”, his weird fish face… I pushed his big, slimy body away and swam through his sweat to the other side of the bed. He asked me if I had any food. I pretended to look in my fridge for something he could eat, knowing I only had hard-boiled eggs, celery, carrots and yogurt, which are not foods that a heavy-breathing, drunk man wants. I glanced in my cupboard and avoided offering him my almonds. “Hmmm, nope. I forgot to go grocery shopping.” I crawled back into the dry spot in my bed and he got dressed, on a mission for pizza and ice cream. He waits briefly for me to see him out and say goodbye while I waved, said “Lock the bottom lock before you go!”.
Swiping My Life Away 