Guess who’s back…back again…

You GUYS!!!!! Things have changed. The world is on fucking fire. This dumpster fire shit show is a trip. Try dating apps during Covid and you’ll definitely get to the point of utter despair if you weren’t there already. Shit is brutal out here.

Yes, I left my fiance. He’s scum. You know that’s what I’m attracted to. Give me all the liars, the cheaters, the pedophiles, the rapists, the stalkers and the woman beaters. I can take it, apparently. I can handle them. (My new therapist might disagree…)

Let’s not discuss the bullshit that went down with my ex though. Let’s not give him the time of day (for now…I’ll give you all the dirt and tea and info another time.) Let’s instead discuss dating in the times of Covid…

You’re not going out meeting people because, well, COVID. It’s also not likely that you meet anyone by going out prior to this shitstain of a virus anyway because people are glued to their crew and their phones when they’re in public. No one approaches anyone else anymore. It’s just not how the dating world works these days. Now though, things are vastly different than ever before. Muhfuckers been cooped up in their apartments for months. Now that the patios in Chicago have reopened, everyone is ready for social distance meet-ups. (Or not socially distanced for some people.)

I, honest to whatever God there might be, thought I was ready to meet someone from a dating app. Biiiiiiitch!!! You just left an engagement…during a pandemic…in the midst of protests and riots over racial injustice…while the economy is in the toilet…while we’re in the middle of one of the biggest presidential elections probably EVER. The world is literally ON FIRE. Now is not the time! Let me say that louder to my dumb self…NOW IS NOT THE TIME!!!!

Me: This seems like a great time to start meeting prospective future romantic partners.

Trust me, I hate my guts too…

So there was this one day…

A guy I matched with on Hinge texted me after pulling a Houdini in our text convo a couple weeks prior. 

“Want to go to the lake?”

It was a gorgeous Monday. I was off work. I finished all my housework and did yoga. Fuck it. I was in. We met at the gas station that was on the way to the lakefront and walked the rest of the way together. He was cute! I thought… You never know these days with everyone wearing masks. Plus my horny ass thinks every guy looks hot as hell lately. He was tall-ish, tan, pretty eyes, not morbidly obese. I don’t have the highest standards these days. 

We got to the the golf course and decided to sit down and have a drink. He ordered a Corona and I had a hard seltzer because I’m basic AF sometimes. He repeatedly made comments about his penis turning itself into a vagina if he ever drank one of those himself. I know…I should have left then because it’s all downhill from here.

After our drink, he paid and we walked to the steps at the lake. He was walking behind me since the water was splashing up onto the pavement and we didn’t want to get our shoes wet or slip into Lake Michigan. He made a comment thanking me for wearing yoga pants for this so he could “check out that cute ass”. We all know my ass is flatter than the day is long, sir. Get real.

As I’m talking, I heard a splash and turned to see my date in the water fully clothed. My first thought was that I bored him so much that he couldn’t take listening to me talk anymore. He’d rather drown himself than listen to my voice for one more second. Apparently that was not the case. Like in some shitty romantic comedy-type shit, he wanted me to jump in with him! I pointed at the sign next to where he jumped and reminded him that it said “No swimming” and the waves were insane that day. Plus I had no swimsuit. “You got a bra and panties on right?? Take those clothes off and get in here with me!” Again, I should have left. What is WRONG with me!? Leave his dumbass in that lake, Erin! Do you know how many dead bodies they pull out of there every year? What’s one more? 

He eventually realized I was never going to give in to his request, so he got out and we sat on the steps while he was sopping wet. After talking for a bit, he pulled a Marlboro red out of his shoe and lit it up. “I thought your profile said you don’t smoke cigarettes,” I said. He responds with, “Only when I’m high, girl.” “Wait, you’re high now,” I said. He’s like, “Yeah, I took an edible before I took the Lime down here. It’s just now kicking in.” Fucking nice… Wouldn’t you at least ask your date if they wanted one too??

While he’s smoking and talking, I couldn’t help but stare at his mouth. It was difficult to fully see what was going on in the tooth region because the sun was shining behind him, into my eyes but I was fairly certain homeboy had one fucked up front tooth. He noticed me staring I guess because I was squinting and staring HARD. “Oh, you noticed this?”, he asked. 

Me: Huh? Noticed whaaat?

Him: Yeah my tooth got knocked out when I was installing some cabinetry. 

Me: Oh damn…brutal.

At least there was an explanation for it but why would you go on a first date with no front tooth? It wasn’t until later that I realized this accident must have happened a while ago because he had no bruises or cuts anywhere near his face. How long have you not had a fucking tooth?? And do you have any plans to replace it or is this a permanent thing?? How much COVID can he spew out of this black hole? Sooooo many questions.

After this, he asked if he could sit closer to me. I felt like saying no but my mouth took over my brain and I said, “Yes, just put your mask back on.” He scooted down to sit on the same step as me and he put his mask over his face and tooth hole. Conversation continued but I noticed him inching closer and closer until he went to lie down and PUT HIS HEAD ON MY LEG!!!! 

“Ohhh, you’re so comfortable. I could get used to this,” he said. No, asshole. Please don’t! He then rolled onto his back, still resting his toothless head on my thigh and he points to his crotch and said, “Oh, don’t pay any attention to this.” Of course then, I looked. I fucking looked. Dude had an ERECTION! WHY?! He casually then lets me know that it had nothing to do with me. (Like is that better or worse? I still don’t know.) He mentioned that it was his birthday last week and his friend gave him a red pill. He had no idea what it was so he just took it. He just took it! 

It turned out to be a gas station boner pill. I don’t drive a car or go to gas stations so I politely requested that he elaborate. Did everyone else know that they sell some cheap, Chinese version of Viagra at the gas station?! I thought I was worldly and educated but I guess NOT! This was all brand new to me. Unfortunately, his fun pill was lasting 4 days and he didn’t seem too concerned at all, or embarrassed. Now, I don’t have a dick, but if I did, I might be fearful that this was a sign of something bad happening. I’ve done some drugs and none of them have ever stayed in my system with and been effective for that long. It would have been nice if certain ones did but this is not how drugs normally work. 

At this point I finally knew I needed to run. How do you politely tell someone they’re creepy and gross and they give you yucky feelings in your tummy? Suggestions welcomed. I just lied and said I forgot to feed my dogs so I had to get going. He tried walking me home and I blurted out some crazy stuff about having stalkers and not letting men walk me home on the first date because of ax murderers in my home town and clowns. Don’t ask me where any of this came from. I stuttered the entire time and started sweating and just turned around and walked away. By “walked”, I mean tripped and almost fell on my face before regaining my balance and trying to walk away and look cool. 

I wish the story ended here. Alas, it does not. Stay. Motherfucking. Tuned.

#baddates #baddate #uncomfortable #coviddate #lakemichigan #chicagodates #toothless #boner #bonerpill #viagra #chineseviagra #birthdaydrugs #firstdate #hinge # hingestories #hingedate #hingedates #hingeencounters #datingapps